Dirty Sexy Money"The Bridge"
Original Air Date: October 24, 2007
Shawn P - TwoCents Staff Writer
Previous episodes were veritable cornucopias of filth, fornication, and fiduciary mismanagement. This week opens with Nick and Simon Elder in a limo. Simon Says: touch your toes and watch as I drag this series kicking and screaming to Season 2 based on nothing more than my LA Law charm and this new goatee. Nick responds: done and done. Quick question – does Blair Underwood age? Is there a rotting portrait hidden in the attic of his Hollywood Hills mansion? Or are they using that creepy technology that had Fred Astaire dancing with a Dirt Devil?
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Dirty Sexy Money
ReplyDelete"The Bridge"
Original Air Date: October 24, 2007
Shawn P - TwoCents Staff Writer
Previous episodes were veritable cornucopias of filth, fornication, and fiduciary mismanagement. This week opens with Nick and Simon Elder in a limo. Simon Says: touch your toes and watch as I drag this series kicking and screaming to Season 2 based on nothing more than my LA Law charm and this new goatee. Nick responds: done and done. Quick question – does Blair Underwood age? Is there a rotting portrait hidden in the attic of his Hollywood Hills mansion? Or are they using that creepy technology that had Fred Astaire dancing with a Dirt Devil?
Germy and Jewels’ birthday bash is the center storyline of the episode – Jewels does not want Gnat (new spelling) at the party, Germy uses the freedom of assembly clause of the First Amendment to justify inviting her. That and the fact that he’s knocked her up. 700+ people and a $1M budget, that’s like six thousand Puddin’ Pops a guest! The Gnat issue becomes a deal breaker and the Wonder Twins push for double the budget for double the parties – one with Gnat, and the other Gnat-less.
Tish pushes hard for more spend, because she’s a bad mother. Tripp says no way, because he was never crazy about the runts of the litter anyway. Nick gets asked his opinion, and he reminds everyone that the money of even half this Germs/Jewels blowout would fund NPR’s Morning Edition for the next 24 years… everyone laughs, and that shortfall is left to listeners like you and me. Sidenote: ante up kids, because I’m really getting tired of listening to Steve Inskeep beg for my money. It’s unseemly, Steve.
Tish reminds us, after Nick walks out, that one of the Darling kids is not like the others…
In our side-plot, Reverend Brian’s wife is revealed to be completely insane. Speaking of the good Reverend, when does he get his own hour-long show? Because these are always my favorite scenes. This week’s highlights include the good Reverend explaining to Karen that marriage number four is not appropriate for a church setting because no one wants to sit through a ceremony that’s longer than the marriage.
Gustav fears hell, but apparently not the Reverend, as he divulges his birth name (Brian Junior) and provenance to Brian’s wife while she’s in the tub. No boundaries with these people, even the little ones.
Gnat and Germy lounge around in bed. We learn Jewels is planning a French farce for her party. Germy asks if being amorous could “hurt the baby.” That joke obviously escaped from “Big Shots,” which I’ll be reviewing tonight.
Patty takes a backhand swipe at Golf Pro Fiancé Freddy, who wants the plane for his bachelor party. Karen twists the knife with reference to Patty’s she-male lover. She wants Freddy invited to join Patty’s country club. Basically your average brother-sister stuff here.
Nick acts party planner for Germy, who spills the beans about his baby momma, and says he’s matured, much the way Nick must have when he had Kiki. Nick pleads with Germy to never ever ever reproduce, but it’s too late. Seriously, why is Nick asking if Germy is sure he’s ready? That bell is rung, my friend, unless DSM is going to tackle abortion in an upcoming very special episode.
Reverend Brian comes clean to his crazy lady about his affair and Gustav. And seriously, I don’t care what happens from here on out, that kid is always going to be Gustav to me. Crazy wife announces imminent divorce. Hey, good thing the Reverend has a family lawyer.
Nick suggests cutting off the Wonder Twins. Tripp says no, but he wants to move to delay their trusts, which would basically hang the twins if they overspend on their parties. Regret is our greatest teacher, Tripp says in not so many words. But in my opinion, he’s overlooking Shame, the universally accepted Teacher of the Year 32 years running.
Lisa starts bringing home art. I like art. Nick does not.
Reverend Brian tells Nick that God’s Holy Word outed Gustav and divorce looms large, then adds “make sure you crush her” because that’s what the Bible says should happen to women who marry cheating spouses. (Yes, it does. Because I just scribbled it in the margins of my King James’ version.)
Nick says: Note to self, crush her. Awesomeness.
Cue the cutesy piano music as Reverend Brian cries. Damn it! Don’t show any humanity, Brian! Stick to the Crush Her plan!!
Ugh, they’re totally killing the Reverend Brian storyline. Nick convinces him to go back to crazy wife and beg for reconciliation. The Reverend Brian I know would instead have her killed and buried in the concrete slabs of the new Giant’s Stadium.
Jewels discovers Gnat is not with child because she’s using Tampons. She tells Nick. Nick tells Germy. Are there alternative uses for Tampons? Because Germy’s not buying it, but in my mind that’s pretty decisive proof. See America, this is what you get when you don’t get sex education in school.
At the big bash, Jewels dresses at Marie Antoinette, and giggles with her girlfriends that tonight she’s planning on getting kissed. I’m starting to wonder if they’ve ever had her tested, because it’s becoming more and more possible that she’s retarded, and that’s not a joke, I mean literally, clinically retarded.
Nick and Simon meet in a restaurant. Blah blah blah.
Reverend Brian begs for forgiveness. Blah blah blah.
Jewels cries because she in fact does not get kissed. Blah blah blah.
Germs confronts Gnat, who admits the pregnancy is a lie. Blah blah blah.
Seriously, since they declawed the Reverend, the episode went right down the toilet.
Anyway, more blah blah as Simon says: Nick, work for me like Pseudo-Dutch almost did. Nick says: did Tripp kill my dad? Simon doesn’t say.
Germy gets liquored up, strips down to his boxers, and stands on the rooftop ledge to say Mo’ Money, Mo’ Problems. Then he sings “All By Myself” and gets arrested. Yes! The show just got awesome again!
Reverend Brian and Gustav move back into the Darling home. It’s going all “Royal Tennebaums” in this scene. If the Butterscotch Stallion shows up in a cowboy hat, I would not blink an eye.
Tripp calls Germy a disappointment. But only because he didn’t hear him sing, I think. Tripp does not know who Justin Timberlake and Ethan Hawke are. Ethan Hawke I understand, because c’mon, it’s been like 20 years since “The Explorers,” but that Timberlake weasel is everywhere these days. You have to live under a rock to not know him. Tripp threatens to revoke the trust, which I’m not sure is legal. Nick, care to weigh in? No? Nick, hello? Nick stands up for Germy, because he implies that’s his job. No, Nick, your job is to interpret and navigate the law for the family. This was a perfect opportunity, and you choose to play moral arbiter instead. Cruddy lawyering, Nick.
Germy and Jewels gaze into the sun on what’s obviously a sound stage (or else the sun is now only three miles from the earth and I missed that on CNN). They both decide Gnat would have made a terrible baby momma anyway. Jewels mentions she deferred her trust for five years. Germy wishes they had been born poor, and even the clinically retarded Jewels says grow up.
Nick makes Kiki breakfast and buys Dogs Playing Poker to add to the growing George art collection. Lisa is thrilled. The Georges vow to start giving away that $10M. Good way to start, buying art for the living room.
Gustav meets the family. Tripp speaks to him in Swedish and Karen tries to mate with him, taking a “be yourself” motif a little too far.
Patty puts Freddy up for membership. Yawn.
Germy apologizes for going “O.C.” on his party and asks Tripp for a job.
Nick funds another playground, and let me tell you, his due diligence methodology absolutely sucks.
Then the episode just ends. I give this episode a Nobel Prize Peace Prize, because apparently you can win those things for any topic at all these days, peace-related or not.
Next week, Karen continues to mate her way through Manhattan, Tripp loses Gustav in a poker game, Germy dresses like a croupier to park cars, and Simon Says bask in my agelessness. I’m basking as fast as I can.