Dirty Sexy Money"The Italian Banker"
Original Air Date: October 10, 2007
Shawn P - TwoCents Staff Writer
DSM - Episode 3 – The Italian Banker
Previously on DSM, Pseudo-Dutch crashed a plane, the kids aren’t all right, and Blair Underwood showed up in a dossier. And I, your humble reviewer, announced my intention to solve the central mystery of who killed Pseudo-Dutch.
Since I’m not on the show, and my Poirot-like promise was something I uttered under my breath to an audience of one (my tabby cat, Mr. F. Scott Grapejelly), the whole thing’s been a little under the radar. Well, let it be entered into public record, here and now. I’ll have this thing solved by the end of the column so that DSM can move away from the mystery angle and make Reverend Brian and his Evil Priest the center of the show.
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Dirty Sexy Money
ReplyDelete"The Italian Banker"
Original Air Date: October 10, 2007
Shawn P - TwoCents Staff Writer
DSM - Episode 3 – The Italian Banker
Previously on DSM, Pseudo-Dutch crashed a plane, the kids aren’t all right, and Blair Underwood showed up in a dossier. And I, your humble reviewer, announced my intention to solve the central mystery of who killed Pseudo-Dutch.
Since I’m not on the show, and my Poirot-like promise was something I uttered under my breath to an audience of one (my tabby cat, Mr. F. Scott Grapejelly), the whole thing’s been a little under the radar. Well, let it be entered into public record, here and now. I’ll have this thing solved by the end of the column so that DSM can move away from the mystery angle and make Reverend Brian and his Evil Priest the center of the show.
First scene, we have our inaugural (as far as I can remember) appearance of the Little Miss George Rugrat. I’m sure she has a name, but like Lisa, Pseudo-Dutch, and Jewels, it’ll probably take a few episodes for me to learn it. It’s all filler anyway, as soon Nick and Tripp are in a car, and Tripp is all of sudden gung-ho to solve the Pseudo-Dutch murder. Delayed reaction, Tripp? Now you can’t sleep? Hasn’t he been dead for a few weeks now? Maybe the Simon Elder dossier has something to do with your change of heart?
Daisy gets assigned to scour the internet for information on Simon Elder. That sounds like a good idea, so I do the same. The first 10 hits on Google tell me nothing new about the character; the Reader’s Digest version is that Elder is a rich rival to the Darlings. I’m no closer to solving the mystery, and since Simon Elder returned 2,160,000 hits, I use “quotes” to try and narrow down the list. “Simon Elder” returns 1,890 pages. Better! “Simon Elder” “Serial Killer” returns 8 pages. Now we’re on to something! But none of the pages is a typed confession, so I’m thinking the killer’s not Simon Elder. If it were, Google, I’m pretty sure, would tell me.
Sandy “Rebecca” Koufax, the PR wonk, stops by to share a taped threat from a cockney blackmailer who threatens to expose a Darling sex tape. Nick gives his best Garfield “I Hate Monday’s” look.
Nick confronts Patty, who denies making a sex tape, but only because they’re not romantic. Patty, I agree, but I think it’s a matter of production values. The fact is that all sex tapes, by law, must be filmed with a green night-vision goggle in front of the lens, which to be fair does kill the romanticism of it all. Patty says “when you assume you make an ass out of u and me.” I catch myself literally rolling my eyes.
Nick asks the cops to look at Elder for his pop’s murder. Unfortunately, his evidence (Elder stole someone’s idea in business), has nothing to do with the crime, or lack therefore of, since there’s no official murder.
Newsflash! Koufax calls back Nick to inform him that the Darlings lie.
Nick asks the family one by one if they’ve made a sex tape. Andy Bing says he has sex tapes, but only of Buddy Ebsen, Karen sings soft rock, and Jewels says she’s never had relations. Reverend Brian gives what I totally see as a non-answer. Evil Priest, I got my eye on you!
Speaking of the devil, Reverend Brian takes Gustav home for dinner, but continues to insist Gustav speaks no English, while Patty and Tranny Hooker bicker over breakfast.
Koufax gets a hold of the sex tape – she, Daisy, and Nick cook up some Pop Secret and get to watching! Apparently Koufax and Daisy are pornography aficionados, as they recognize a sex act they call “The Italian Baker.” At least I thought they said Baker, but since this episode is called the Italian Banker, I’m going to have to say Koufax and Daisy both mumble. I’ve decided they must mean Banker (which I’ve never heard of), because I know The Italian Baker is where the man tosses the woman like pizza dough, then takes five dollars out of the till when no one’s looking. Or maybe that was just my cousin Freddy, who’s not Italian but worked at a Sbarro one summer.
Natalie ties up Andy Bing, but the big news is that we learn Karen made the sex tape with her Golf Pro Boyfriend’s caddy.
Nick and Karen decide to pay $1 million to silence the blackmailer. Why? If Mary Anne Obama comes out with a sex tape tomorrow, would no one vote for Barack in the next caucus? Anyway, there’s a large vault of money where I guess these payments usually come from, but I for one think it should come out of Nick’s $10 M good works fund.
Patty gets sloppy at a hotel bar and hits on his driver, who sports a pencil-thin mustache. At this point, I pause the Tivo and sing “I wish I had a pencil-thin mustache” and crack myself up, which obviously shows that I shouldn’t write these things or anything else after 9PM (also known as the Jerry Maguire rule of correspondences). Regardless, I march on.
Nick goes to make the drop, but the blackmailer announces she and her partner sold the tape to a higher bidder. Meanwhile, the police clear Simon Elder in the crash, which is funny since there’s still no official investigation.
At the fundraiser, everyone walks the red carpet. I didn’t know fundraiser’s had red carpets. I went to a charity-thing for at-risk youth last year, and no one took my picture, they only raffled off crummy arts and crafts from the Women’s Auxilary and asked me to sponsor a feral pre-teen from Tacoma for the summer (where Blair Underwood is from -- thanks Google!).
Reverend Brian gets cheesed off. Jewels tries on all the Elton John sunglasses from the “I’m Still Standing” video before using her “twintuition” to devine that Natalie and Andy Bing are an item. Jewels and Natalie fight on the red carpet. Meow!
Cops arrive to escort Patty in, who wants to talk about the future of the greatest city in America. Does he know he’s running for senator, not mayor?
Golf Pro Boyfriend gives Karen a mulligan on the sex tape. Nick agrees to break the news to Tripp, since it’ll be “all over the internet tomorrow.”
Patty and the Tranny Hooker make up, because it’s true love. Natalie’s upset because she got no swag at the fundraiser and because Andy Bing took his sister’s side the brouhaha. Then he brings her a necklace, and all is forgiven. Must be nice to buy people off like that.
In Evil Priest news, the Gustav rouse falls apart, except the part about the name Gustav. Reverend Brian tells his wife that sometimes you have to put your faith in humanity, and then bursts into flames as he crosses the threshold of the rectory doorway.
Nick agrees to let Tripp help dig into the Simon Elder angle, as Tripp digresses into a meditation of truth. Simon Elder bought the sex tape, but only to prevent it from getting out (and to watch it a few times to learn the Italian Banker – you have to pick that part up in the subtext, but it’s there).
Crap, I’m over my word count again and I still have to unmask the criminal mastermind. It’s Frank Gifford, but no time for explanations, you’ll just have to take my word for it.
Next week, the crew goes to Italy. Italian Banking ensues?