"Tall, Dark, & Hairless"
Original Air Date: October 4, 2007
Shawn P - TwoCents Staff Writer
Previously on Big Shots, everyone whored around like Caligula. This week everyone gets a small dose of humanity and plucks their eyes out in a futile attempt at penance before their Maker. Or everyone keeps whoring around. It’s one of those.
Brody plans “sex night” with the missus from his G5, which fails to light Lady Macbeth’s fire. So she asks him to wax his testicles. I can’t even make a joke here. It’s all very sad. If Brody says yes, he gets two sex nights a week. Poor dumb Brody. Duncan takes Brody up to the 16th tee, tells him to look out across the water hazard as he starts a soothing story – “someday you’re going to grow a spine, Brody, and only then you’ll be able keep rabbits, because rabbits are something Lady Macbeth does not abide. When you get that spine, then nobody will ever be mean to you again, Brody.” At this point Duncan shoots Brody in the back of the head. I wish. No, Brody gets the wax.
MC Mixworthy’s still sweating up sheets with his whore Marla. (And, believe it or not, Josh Malina is freaking ripped. I’d lay odds on him being able to absolutely kick Vartan’s ass, for real.) Marla’s still under cover as an interior decorator, but now she’s dumped the smooth MC to start hitting on Wendy? I don’t really follow it either. Wendy defends Marla to the therapist, and arranges them to have one big group session together. More fun than a barrel of monkeys, and just as sophisticated.
Duncan’s Tranny Hooker shows up at his work, but he’s still stuck on his ex, Elizabeth. This of course means he sleeps with the Entrepreneur profiler, who runs the Tranny Hooker story, because there is no correlation between sex and emotion on this show. Duncan shows up to the golf course with Tranny Hooker. You think he signed her in as a guest at the club house? They don’t just let anyone walk around these kind of white shoe clubs. Anyway, Tranny Hooker feels guilty about taping Duncan. We meet Terrance Hill, Duncan’s sworn enemy (over something gruesomely described with a double-entendre as a non-automotive parking-lot “rear-ending” between Duncan and the sister). Terrance is now dating Elizabeth. Follow all of that? Can you check my math? Because I’ll show my work, but I’d say everyone on this show has a 78% probability of at least one STD. Brody breaks into the profiler’s apartment, then gets to listen to Duncan and the profiler get sweaty from… under the bed. Yuck. Terrance is behind getting the Tranny Hooker story into the magazine. Duncan gets it’s squashed, but Tranny Hookers don’t go gently into their goodnights, as he/she gets pinched by the cops carrying a black book of names, presumably Duncan’s included.
In Vartan-news, James dodges his whore wife. Of course, we learn his dead boss was being slowly poisoned, and since whore wife was sleeping with dead boss, James becomes the prime suspect. Whore wife tells the cops she was undecided about leaving her husband for dead boss. Wow, that’s a real vote of confidence for James. Hey, you were definitely a top two choice! Then dead boss’s wife confesses, and no one cares. Next stop on the Vartan-express, Divorce City!
So instead of next week on Big Shots… I’m going to leave you with a word problem. If anyone cares to solve it, I’ll work the phrase of your choice into the next Big Shots review. That’s right, whatever phrase you want, I’ll find a way to smoothly insert it into the October 11th Review. Post your answer in the comments section, along with the phrase you want to see. There is a real answer, but I’ll accept just about anything close or anything creatively far off.
BIG SHOTS COUNTRY CLUB BRAIN TEASER OF THE DAY:
Out on the links, it begins to rain. James Auster (Vartan) wants to get Duncan Collinsworth (McDermott), Brody Johns (Titus), and Karl Mixworthy (Malina) from the 7th Hole Green to the Club House. His golf cart is only a two-seater. Vartan can afford to ride because he’s got the metabolism of a 12-year old Belarusian gymnast. The rest of the group walked, because they all have body-mass index ceilings in their contracts. They’re all too important to walk in the rain, so they all need to get a ride in this cart to get back to the Club House.
BUT: If James leaves Karl and Brody alone, in a fit of machismo Karl takes advantage of the only guy wimpier than he and waxes Brody's testicles, ending their friendship.
AND: If James leaves Duncan and Karl alone, Duncan has Tranny Hooker flashbacks and fondles Karl in his bathing suit areas, meaning their friendship is over.
YET: When James is around, everyone is so bored by what he says that no one gets shaved or fondled.
How does James get everyone to the Club House and keep all friendships intact? For bonus points (tie-breaker) – what drink would they each order when they get to the Club House and why?