DSM"The Watch"
Original Air Date: Novemeber 28, 2007
Shawn P - TwoCents Staff Writer
Previously on DSM, Thanksgiving. This week, the show goes all Tarantino with corkscrew timelines and other such nonsense. But no Uma. Dang.
We start the episode with Brian Darling being arrested for attempting to bribe a public official. Sweet! He manages to snap at Nick on his way to the slammer.
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ReplyDelete"The Watch"
Original Air Date: Novemeber 28, 2007
Shawn P - TwoCents Staff Writer
Previously on DSM, Thanksgiving. This week, the show goes all Tarantino with corkscrew timelines and other such nonsense. But no Uma. Dang.
We start the episode with Brian Darling being arrested for attempting to bribe a public official. Sweet! He manages to snap at Nick on his way to the slammer.
Germs and Charo argue over the fake apartment. Yes, she totally is Charo. Yawn.
Ellen apologizes to Patty for shooting him in the leg. Apparently she knows that Carmelita is a dude, but that doesn’t faze her a bit. Ellen should run for office, or become a hit man – ice runs through her veins.
Tripp wants to let Brian rot in the slammer. Tish asks what’s the point of power and money if you don’t use it to have people you don’t like killed? She actually says to help your children, but I like my question better.
We get loads of Tish/Pseudo-Dutch flashback action in this episode. They canoodle like high school sophomores. P-D confides in the boss’s wife about how oh-so many mistakes he’s made with Nick, and OH MY GOD Tish spills the beans, one of the Darling’s is not like the others... it’s totally Evil Reverend. They’ve been telegraphing this since day 1. But I still hope, just a little, that it’s Karen, because, c’mon, can you name a single unfunny incest plot-line in the history nighttime television? Didn’t think so…
Brian makes bail, and Germs asks Lisa for use of the George pad to woo Charo.
Karen and Simon exchange double entendres, but no one cares because Jewels is back and cuter than ever in a stunning blue number that costs more than my life is worth.
Tripp and Brian spar, leading us to flashback number two. In this one, post-Tish bombshell, P-D is less affectionate, more yell-ey, and suddenly pregnant with conscience. Funny, because five minutes ago he didn’t give a damn about cuckolding Tripp.
Back from commerical, Charo says: Coochie Coochie Coo. Her and Germs in some corrugated tin roof shack that Germs is passing off as his home.
Nick asks Laura Palmer not to go to Brazil with Gustav. She doesn’t bite.
Then back to Germs/Charo, where Germs volunteers that his big ambition in life is to go to space. Germs is pretty awesome. He was awesome when he was Andy Dick, then he was just okay, now he’s awesome again, like approach Brian awesomeness. In case you’re keeping score at home.
Sidenote: there are enough quick cuts / short scenes in this episode to qualify it as a Michael Bay production.
Tish admits to pulling strings to end Brian’s legal woes. Mother of the Year award ensues, but probably off-camera. Nick presses, and the whole truth comes out between Nick and Tish. Yup, P-D is the Evil Father’s father. Lots of somber, serious piano music during this scene. I wonder if I’m supposed to take this part seriously, because it’s only moderately dramatic. DSM, pick a tone. Black comedy, murder mystery, privileged drama – pick one and be done! You’re not Grey’s Anatomy (thank God)!
Nick goes to Lisa, and her first words: it could have been Karen. Totally! Lisa, great minds think alike. Lisa gets her own show, too. So far, I have spin-offs planned for Brian, Germs, and Lisa. Hold up -- Nick says he’s building a $400M pediatric cancer center. Where did that come from?
Patty’s still in a morphine stupor. He and Tranny Hooker discuss their deep and abiding love, and the other kind of love that Ellen has -- the simple kind? Tranny Hooker offers to make like a tree if that’ll make things easier. Patty says do what you do best, and I wonder if that’s make like a girl? They… Get. It. On! In the hospital. Ew.
Germs goes back to Lisa and confesses that the rat hole he was in with Charo is something he bought and had un-renovated to make himself look poor. His poor-self profession? Starving artist. Lisa promises to help with the artist part.
Karen and Simon exchange more double entendres at a diner. Remind me never to eat, anywhere, ever again. Seriously, I think I caught a disease watching that scene.
At the gallery, Lisa explains art to Germs, and they banter. Yuck. Until the Germs line – “Let’s nude it up!” That was funny.
Tish tells Brian the truth about P-D, and he doesn’t take it so well.
“Son, she said, have I got a little story for you. What you thought was your daddy, was nothing, but a…”
Say it aloud until you can hear the music in your head, folks.
Anyway, Tripp and Nick trade indignities, and I realize nothing really happened thus far other than everyone found out the truth about Brian. Also, I think “The truth about Brian” sounds like an afterschool special.
Simon and Karen… Get. It. On! More entendres. Simon promises to be gentle… uff, I can’t even recap this part without needing a shower.
Charo finally believes Germs is an artist because of the works Lisa picked out. Of course, Charo wants Germs to…. Paint. Her. Nude!
Another flashback – P-D and Nick exchange un-pleasantries on P-D’s birthday. P-D wishes he loved his son’s mom, and wasn’t a drunk. That is pretty much the verbatim speech I trot out every birthday too! What a ka-winky-dink!
P-D gives Nick his grandfather’s watch for all of the birthdays he missed. He begs Nick to take it, Nick does. He begs forgiveness; Nick says I’ll take the watch.
Nick learns Lisa and Germs have chemistry and promptly slits his wrists. Nick gives the grandpapa watch to Brian. Remembering my crack about the Tarantino time-sequencing here, I wonder where that watch has been.
We end with Brian explaining the purpose of the church – dragging everyone through the messy past into the perfect future and ruining it together. Brian is the best ever. Bar none! He gives the watch, in turn, to Gustav/
We bid adieu to Gustav, we wonder were Rugrat Kiki is hiding, we pray for more Jewels next week, and we expect nothing but continued Evil Reverend Brian greatness in the future.
I give this episode the time of day, but nothing else. Unlike Karen, I know how to play coy…