Dirty Sexy Money
Original Air Date: October 3, 2007
Shawn P - TwoCents Staff Writer
Previously on DSM, Tripp hired Nick to baby-sit the brood (Letitia, Patrick, Karen, Reverend Brian, Paris, and Andy Dick). Mrs. Nick walked around in a daze saying “for Ten Million Dollars, Karen can text you love poems until the cows come home.” Nick’s Papa died in a plane that looks too tiny to be a Cessna, which is why I thought it was a helicopter, and the ubiquitous Tranny Hooker cried and cried, as he/she is wont to do. Nick is pretty sure one of them murdered his dad, and he’s set on blood atonement. That was either the recap of the Pilot or the start of one seriously awesome country song.
What a difference a week makes, because the first thing after this week's episode, we’re retiring three nicknames from last week. “Mrs. Nick” is now “Lisa.” I know this because every time someone addresses her in this episode, they start or end the sentence with “Lisa.” Was that so hard ABC? See, if you drill the names into our heads 40 times in 15 minutes, we’ll use them. “Nick’s Papa” is repeated referred to as “Dutch,” which now that I hear it in this episode, I guess I knew this last week also. I just refused to use it because there’s only one “Dutch” and that, good sir, is Mr. Ed O’Neill. So Nick’s Papa is now “Pseudo-Dutch.” And Paris is Jules, but here she’ll be “Jewels” because that’s what I typed the first time, and it’s more appropriate, really.
The biggest development of the week: Andy Dick must have left the show, because he was nowhere to be found this episode. Oh no. The chameleon that plays “Jeremy” tones it down seven or twenty-three notches in this episode, as his storyline with Jewels and Jewels’ improbably attractive frienemy Natalie (Tamara Feldman) goes all screwball comedy on us. So this week, the role of Andy Dick will be performed by Andy Bing, who is a hybrid mash-up of Chandler Bing and Andrew McCarthy (he’s the comic foil, but he’s also the spoiled rich kid). Let me just state, either the show runners gave wildly varying direction on how to play the Jeremy role after the pilot, or this Seth Gabel kid is a modern-day Lon Cheney, only he brings all thousand faces to the same role.
And yes, frienemy is too a valid portmanteau.
Now that we’ve got the players down, this week the action centers on a taking a family photo. It’s for a magazine, or a wanted poster, or Christmas card – I’ll have to rewind and tell you later – whatever the end-state medium, the photo shoot is “supposed to launch Patty’s Senate campaign.” I thought they were generally launched with press conferences and campaign petition filings, which shows what I know.
You’d think they’d just jet over to Sear’s or Macy’s and knock this out – the photos aren’t so bad in those kinds of places, you know – but because it’s the Darling family, it can never be that simple. They need lions in the picture. And Sear’s has a strict no lion policy.
Tripp says the photo shoot will re-brand the family as “fresh” and “hip.” Are “lions” fresh and “hip”? Penguins are over? No one told me that. Let me just say that Nick’s assignment – “setting the tone, making sure people get from A to B” – that’s not really lawyer work, is it? He’s the nanny, which should have been the title of this show (think Fran Drescher’d mind?), and might as well be if they keep doing these seismic tonal shifts.
Nick, who can’t cook a Pop-Tart, has a new ring tone for Karen – Wagner’s “Bridal March.” He also goes all Encyclopedia Brown and gets caught stealing Tripp’s journal (to figure out if he new about Tish/Pseudo-Dutch) before getting busted by the maid who shakes him down for $500 and says Pseudo-Dutch put her kids through college… and med school. Ha. Nick almost ruins the shoot (it was for a magazine) by screaming at Tripp, “J’accuse!” Cats exit various bags, but we’re no closer to a murderer.
Nameless Hired Hand mentions to Tripp that he took Tish to Forest Lawn Cemetery, which is in Burbank/Glendale last time I checked. Pseudo-Dutch was buried in Los Angeles? Are we filming this on one of the studio lots and someone flubbed a line? Because Forest Lawn is right across the street from the Warner Bros studio. I imagine the writers room discussion went like:
“Hey, we need a name for the cemetery.”
“Just call it Forest Lawn, like the one here by Griffith Park.”
“You think maybe it’s a chain, like McDonald’s? “
“Gosh, every city probably has a Forest Lawn.”
“That’s in New York. Close enough!”
In subplots, Jewels, now out and about in the real world, adopts a dog, moves into a hotel, misses the photo shoot (don’t worry, Daisy hires a stand-in), and sends her twin brother Andy Bing to investigate who’s staying in the Penthouse Suite. It’s Natalie, who stole Jewels’ bangs and perfume, so now they’re mortal enemies. Natalie walks around in lingerie, stands on tables to say “I want you”, and works phrases like “crap lizard” in regular conversation. I’m so hoping this is a recurring role.
Reverend Brian isn’t going to win any Father of the Year prizes, professional or laic, after telling everyone his son is really Gustav, whose parents died in a bullet train accident. I’m also totally wondering what religion he’s supposed to be, because he mentioned a wife and daughters, but he’s dressed like a Roman Catholic. Maybe he’s the same denomination as the guy who hangs around Battery Park and ministers on behalf of the Church of Stop Shopping.
We find out Norman Exley was blackmailing Reverend Brian over Gustav, so he’s no longer a prime suspect in the Pseudo-Dutch murder. Exley, who sounds like Frobisher’s lawyer but looks like a down on his luck Sawyer (which is saying something as Sawyer’s marooned on an island and I’m calling Norman the one down on his luck) mentions that Tripp might have called the hit over the Tish affair…
Daisy gets stuck trying to crack the lock to last week’s water-tight suitcase. Pardon me for asking, but why would Daisy be able to figure out the combo to the locked suitcase? Aren’t there blunt force methods of opening locked suitcases? It’s not a vault with three feet of concrete surrounding it. You could drill the lock, no? Keep Daisy focused on what she’s good at: ring tones.
Apparently, the whole family knows about Patrick and his Tranny Hooker, and Tripp and Nick were the only two who didn’t know about Tish and Pseudo-Dutch.
Patty doesn’t want to be Senator, but eventually relents and announces his bid for Senator. “Of this great state. The Empire State. New York State.” The way he said it I thought he was running in three elections.
Tripp guesses the combo to the locked suitcase (it’s Tish’s birthday), and inside Nick finds a dossier on our new number one suspect: Carmen San Diego!
Actually, it’s Blair Underwood, who hasn’t aged since LA Law, so he’s obviously evil.
Next week is all about a sex tape, with the central mystery being – which Darling has one? Because if the show was about which Darling doesn’t, they wouldn’t be able to fill the hour. See you in a week, DSM!